Fear of failure, again

I've written about fear of failure before. It seems to be something that secretly creeps into my life on moments when I least expect it.

Today I felt urged to ask my friends on Facebook for their opinion on a haircut decision. It's something I've been feeling nervous about (I know my mom won't like it) and I kinda knew they'd say: "DO IT!" ;) But then one of my friends said: "Don't miss out on a chance for new experiences, Tanja. You've come too far for that." Boom. (Thank you Caroline!)

I've missed out on new experiences often enough, because I was scared about being judged. By strangers, by friends and also by family. When it happens (and it does), it feels as if I can't live up to the set expectations, and that I'm disappointing someone who thought better of me. It makes me feel like a failure.

Why can't I simply shake off such remarks  like rain off a duck? I guess because of past experiences. In high school I used to be mocked for my 'silly clothes' and 'weirdness'. Superficial as they may seem, those words hurt deeply, and they linger. And then there are the more subtle tactics: hidden blames (always well-intended of course, or were they?) and the use of guilt, just to get things done.

While I'm usually doing great, there are those times when doubt washes over me and brings back the old feelings that promptly take over. Am I being judged for the way I look? Am I being judged by my family for being a wedding photographer and 'doing nothing with my masters degree in physiotherapy'? Am I being judged for pouring out my heart on the internet for anyone to read?

The key to overcoming all these doubts lies within one simple sentence:

[blockquote text="I am good enough." text_color="" width="" line_height="undefined" background_color="" border_color="" show_quote_icon="yes" quote_icon_color=""]

I know that hearing these words might resonate emotionally with you. They did with me. It's an immensely powerful statement. For the longest time, I had a hard time saying it out loud. Some days I still do! But deep down inside I know it is true: I AM good enough. All I can do is move forward and learn to love myself. And that includes forgiving myself for doubting me.

I couldn't think of a better photograph to accompany this blog post than this one. Thank you Kristina for shooting this portrait. Check out Kristina's work right here.

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by Tanja

Why I stopped using Facebook in bed

"Hi everybody! My name is Tanja and I'm addicted to my iPhone."

Sounds a bit silly, right? It took me a long to admit to myself that I had a VERY hard time being without my phone. Every morning when I woke up, the first thing I did was checking my phone in bed. I'm definitely not the only person who does that, how about you? ;) Minutes quickly disappeared and before I knew it, I spent half an hour wasting my time reading up on what other people were doing. Instead of starting my day with a clear vision of what I wanted to accomplish, I started it with digging myself in into an online world.

And of course it didn't stop there. During the day as soon as I had to wait somewhere (in a store, in the car, pretty much anywhere), even for a few seconds, I'd dig my phone out of my purse to find out if something 'important' happened. As if something was ever so important that I had to see it right away. And while working I'd get notifications on both my phone and computer as soon as something new got posted, which meant time for a quick check-in. Bye bye concentration and of course more wasted time. Even at night when Jelger and I were watching Netflix I'd keep an eye on my phone, or worse: reading up on messages instead of watching the movie.

At one point I started to notice that I put less energy into being creative, and felt drained altogether. Could my social media madness really cause that big of an impact? I went online for some research and filled out one of those tests. Turned out that, uhm, yeah, I might have a problem...

Time for an intervention. Yes, social media are important for me: f.e. for our photography business and for staying in touch with family and friends. But what's even more important is being 100% devoted to what I'm doing right here, right now.

Jelger and I made a rule: no more social media in bed. My mornings are now: getting up, have coffee and focus on myself. And believe me, it's harder than I thought! I still occasionally take a peek, but I'm improving. I've become more conscious of my phone use, and I try to take note of the when and why I am grabbing it unconsciously. Going on hikes to locations without phone service (nor internet connection) is always a good reminder of how quite and calm life can be without constant interruptions. The bottom line is that a smartphone can make your life a lot more stressful than it already is.

It's a learning curve of using it wisely (like drinking: you can have some, but not too many! :P ) and sticking to the plan. I still have a good way to go, but I'm committed to make it work. Life is too short to waste it online!

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by Tanja

Railtown's tailgate BBQ in Vancouver

A 12-foot smoker/barbecue barrel, 35-hour Texas-style beef brisket, applewood-smoked pork shoulder, beer-brined Fraser Valley chicken and D’Original Sausage Haus brats. Drooling yet? I am. ;) Now add tabatha’s jalapeño cornbread, corn on the cob and two more sides. Top it off with a signature cockail or a cold beer. Railtown's tailgate barbecue event last Saturday was epic.

Why am I writing about BBQ? First because it's BBQ! Second, because Jelger and I are food snobs. Growing up in Europe we were spoiled when it came to food. Both home cooking and restaurant meals were synonyms for fresh ingredients and no strange artificial stuff. (what's yellow 5 anyways?) We also learned to LOVE the purpose of ingredients in a dish: taste, texture, colour... It's in there for a reason (and "cheap filler" is not a valid one). Are you worried about inviting us over for dinner yet? ;)

And then we moved to Canada. Let's say we learned to read the nutritional labels. But I admit we definitely appreciate the variety of Asian cuisines available in Vancouver. I sure could go for hot pot or Korean BBQ right now.

As wedding photographers we get to taste a lot of food. Hurrah! This gives us the opportunity to compare many catering companies. Two years ago when we first tried appies from Railtown Catering, we were sold. It's Jelger and my favourite catering company in Vancouver. And after their last BBQ event, I love them even more! They stepped out of the kitchen, threw chunks of wood in the smoker and rallied the neighbourhood for a good old family style grilling fest.

This time I was here to take photographs, but on the next event I will be lining up for my share of that glorious brisket, pulled pork and corn bread. Care to join me? Not kidding, email us!

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by Tanja

Sea to sky gondola elopement weddings in Squamish, BC

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We're super excited to be photographing elaborate elopements on August 22nd 2015, organized by the amazing Melissa and Natalie from Cahoots Creative!

It all started a couple of weeks ago when we met Melissa over coffee. Our conversation quickly brought us to our mutual love for thinking out of the box. That's when she told us about the elopement weddings at the Sea to Sky Gondola in Squamish BC. We were immediately enthusiastic about it and decided on the spot to become the event photographers.

Last week Jelger and I visited the location for the first time. My goodness, such an amazing spot! We've driven by many times, but never noticed there was such a gorgeous venue up there. It was a good reminder of how important it can be to slow down and actually notice your environment. ;)

And slowing down we did. We relaxed, soaked up the sun, enjoyed the amazing views, goofed around and had a good time. As we were leaving, I lost Jelger in the gift shop and found him in the stuffed animal section. The only way to convince him to come with me, was by bribing him with his new friend, who now lives in our car. Meet Cedric the skunk. He'll be joining us on many road trips.

It's days like these, that make me realize how many small trips and fun adventures still await us! I'm forever grateful to live in such an amazing place as British Columbia. Summer, here we come!

The elaborate elopement of August 22nd includes (and can have additional customizations):

• a private 90 minute wedding at the Sea to Sky Gondola wedding venue
• custom designed ceremony and styled lounge area
• floral bouquet and boutonnière
• officiant
• food and beverages
• live music
• 30 minute photography session (with the 2 of us!)
• custom designed marriage announcements

Get in touch with Melissa for more information! melissa@cahootscreative.ca

Photo credit for this photo: Cahoots Creative

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by Tanja

Unfiltered moments

At every wedding I attend, there are so many unfiltered moments, those moments when people are entirely committed to the moment. Of course it's impossible to blog all of them, but today I'd like to share a few moments with you from a recent wedding in Abbotsford that I second shot for Julie Christine Photography.

Children are always candid (exept when they have very camera crazy family members ;) ). The photograph above is a great example.

Rain doesn't have to be a deal breaker on your wedding day. Go with the flow.

First dances are my favourite unfiltered moments. As a matter of fact, I believe they can predict the strength of a marriage. Ask me over drinks and I'll explain. ;)

PS: I loved their guest book!

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by Tanja

When I photographed a birth

On November 27th 2014, I photographed a birth.

Before continuing, I have to thank my friends Geert and Chris from the bottom of my heart, for allowing me to be a part of one of their lives' most intimate moments. I'm humble and forever grateful that you wanted me there with you, during every step of the VERY long way. ;)

I won't get into details, nor will I share sensitive photographs. I'm writing this post because photographing this birth has changed me and the way I want to shoot.

Never before have I felt more present and in the moment than in that little hospital room.

There was no constant urge to check my phone and to be online, no curiosity about what the outside world was doing, no fear of missing out, no nothing. Just two people fighting an intense battle. Together. I was there, being aware of every emotion, every little moment and every vibe.

I allowed myself to experience my unfiltered emotions. I felt scared and helpless when things didn't go as planned. I bawled in the surgery room (it ended with a C-section) when I saw their faces when they first laid eyes on their son.

But most of all, I felt their connection. The way he knew she felt, without speaking a word. The little moments they shared in between the pain. And when I look at the photographs, I can see that connection again.

This is what I want when I photograph your wedding. I want to be present in the moment with you. I want to be the unfiltered me and I know I'll be touched by what I'll discover.

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by Tanja

Our Fight Club experience

Last December we went to Fight Club in Denver, Colorado, organized by Jeff Jochum. Now don't be fooled by the name! It was a workshop for photographers, finishing with a presentation about our business, broadcasted to a live internet audience.

Talk about being confronted with yourself... Deep down in our core, we felt exactly what we stood for in life, but somehow we couldn't express ourselves properly without watering down our message.

While we were trying so hard to define what it is what drives us, it became clear we had lost ourselves in the process. When Jeff told us we seemed to have a stick up our ass during our presentation, it hit us: we were not being spontaneous at all. Pretty terrible when you love being spontaneous and being around like-minded people. By not living true to our own message, we were setting ourselves up for failure.

By not living authentically true to our message, we were setting ourselves up for failure.

The same was true for living unconventionally. Being unconventional, doing our own thing, being independent, is what we want to live by. A part of us is already doing it: we did quit our jobs, we did move across the world, we did quit jobs again and we are walking a very unconventional path with our business.

But until today, we are fighting our demons from the past: deeply ingrained fears about being judged, holding us back, whispering that we might say the wrong thing or do something "stupid".

One of the things Jeff said at the workshop and that struck a chord is: "You are worth it." We are worth to live true to our values. And that's what we now remind ourselves of. Every day.

After a couple more weeks of digesting what we learned, we decided on a whim to travel to Oregon Coast. Because on our bio page, we proudly state that it's not adventure travelling if you book hotels in advance, but we didn't take a single holiday in 2014. It was time for a change.

Back home, we decided to throw out our desk and drive to Ikea to get loungy chairs and give ourselves a "zen corner" at home. It's what our gut told us to do.

Fight Club brought us more than clarity about our message. It made us hear that we are enough and don't need excuses to live spontaneous and unconventional. And neither do you.

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by Tanja

Why I love intercultural weddings in Vancouver

Being born and raised in Belgium, the way I experienced weddings was different than the way I do now. All thanks to living in Vancouver. Allow me to explain.

For the largest part, Belgium is still caucasian and Roman Catholic and so are the weddings. Thinking how other cultures celebrate their wedding ceremonies, never occured to me. Imagine how my world opened up, when introduced to the Vancouver wedding scene!

I got to experience weddings from cultures from around the world: Sikh, Chinese and Persian to name a few. The symbolism and details in the ceremonies are beautiful, not to mention the delicious food. But it didn't end there.

Where the multicultural society of Vancouver shows most is in cross-cultural weddings. I love how couples find an organic way to intertwine their cultures and start a new life together. An example I won't forget (maybe because there was Belgian beer?) was a wedding, I second shot for Roxana, from Roxana Albusel Photography in June.

Couples find an organic way to intertwine their cultures and start a new life together

The Canadian groom married his stunning Sikh bride. For 2 days, they celebrated their wedding  with both cultural ceremonies. On the first day the groom donned a traditional Sikh wedding outfit and let his bride around the Guru Granth Sahib in the Sikh temple. The day after, his bride shined in her white wedding dress as she said "I do" for the second time.

This is only one of the many examples I've seen in the past years. I feel humble and grateful that I get to experience weddings like this, because it enriches my life. It also makes me realize how much we all have in common as humans, regardless of our culture. And it makes me love my job as a wedding photographer even more.

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by Tanja

Fear of failure

When I was a student, I had an extreme fear of failure.

During the first two years in university, I was doing ok, but from there on things started to go downhill. Surrounded by people who seemed to live for their future job as physiotherapists, all I could think was how differently I felt. While they talked about studying in the library and reading extra materials, I became president of a student union and filled my days with non-curricular activities.

As the months passed by, it seemed as if I was falling behind my peers more and more. By the time the exams came around, I felt so terrified of failing, that I often ended up not taking the test. Say what?! Yup, I figured that if I didn't go, I couldn't fail. Instead I hoped to retake the tests in the Summer time. (in Belgium students get a second try)

Of course the outside world didn't know what was going on inside of me, which resulted in the occasional taunt, that pushed me even deeper.

It became so bad, that I would enter the classroom to take the exam and leave before the tests were handed out.

I paid dearly for my fears: it took me an additional 2 years to graduate university.

The night before my final exam was a disaster. Instead of sleeping, I cried and threw up. Jelger sat by my side, telling me I could do it. On my way to the professor, the thought of running away and not graduating raced through my mind. Only this time, I didn't cave. After all those years of failing, I knew it was time to face my fears.

I entered the examination room looking like a wet, hot mess: puffy eyes from being up all night, wiping away the last of my tears. I was terrified, but I took the oral exam, answering the professor's questions on the spot. And unlike all the scenarios in my head, I passed. I officially graduated with a master's degree in physiotherapy and rehabilitation sciences.

Something had changed that day. I had proven myself wrong in that whatever my imagination told me, it could never justify giving up everything I worked for. The fear only existed in my mind. I had allowed the fear to get a hold of me. Now, years later, I can tell you fear hasn't been able to paralyze me anymore. At least, not that badly. Sure, there are moments when I'm scared and want to run for the hills, and of course I still dare crying when it all seems too much to handle. But I also remember that fear can only exist, if I allow it to.

So I face the things that scare me most, and do them anyways. They turn out to be my greatest accomplishments.

Failure doesn't exist. Only giving up.

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by Tanja