Moving countries and “supposed to’s”
Jelger and I moved from Belgium to Vancouver about 4.5 years ago. It’s such a journey to witness how my feelings about Belgium have changed and evolved over time.
At first when I left Belgium, I was plain angry. Both me and Jelger were pissed off about so many things. One of the main things was how hard it was to become self-employed while coming from a family without any capital to back you up. And of course we disliked certain government policies etc.
Arrived in Vancouver
I had the idea that Vancouver was some kind of “promised land” and that it’d be all butterflies and unicorns. Maybe that was not a bad start, because I needed some idealism to actually be crazy enough to make such a huge leap of faith. 😉
Of course after arriving in Vancouver, I quickly learned that nobody was waiting for us and that if we’d want to build something for ourselves, we’d better be prepared to work our asses off. After a year, when the first love cooled down a bit, I had a bit of a love-hate relationship with Vancouver: everything seemed so impossibly hard. I fought with my accent, I was self-conscious about not being “very Vancouver”, I strongly disliked my survival job etc. But we decided from the beginning that we’d at least had to give it a go for 3 years, because how else can you say you really tried?
Visiting Belgium
When I first visited Belgium after our move, I was in a straddle between both cultures and countries. I noticed differences that really bugged me, but I was also very excited to see everyone and visit places that we really liked.
When back in Vancouver, it started to feel more like home, but I also incorporated more “Belgian things” because I tried to embrace my background. I was part of a Belgian association, I chatted about the good beer and foods and just ignored the things I didn’t like about Belgium.
Another visit, another insight
Last October I got to visit Belgium again and this time I got hit with a feeling of “I don’t belong here anymore”. Both Jelger and I felt guilt. Guilty because of how this must come across with family and friends. Guilty for rejecting the country they are still living in. Knowing that I can’t connect with the place where I was born, grew up, lived, got married, … is very confronting.
It’s as if you’re supposed to feel a certain way about your mother country. When someone asks me “Oh, that’s far away. Do you miss it?” I’ll say: “Nope.” Which usually is followed by an uncomfortable silence or laughter because people expected me to say something else. 😉
But here’s the thing: just because you’re born somewhere doesn’t mean you have to have a loyalty towards this place for the rest of your life. It’s ok to think: “Thank you for the wonderful memories we shared, now I’m moving on.” The people that genuinely love you, will accept your choice and they’ll support you in your new ventures.
I love the West Coast. I feel proud to live in Canada. And in hopefully a year I’m going to be a very proud Canadian citizen. 🙂
Ps: enjoy these rural photographs we made on our trip to Belgium in last October. 🙂
I’m loving these photos. Congrats on four years and running – I love the west coast here as well. I recently returned from travelling in Asia and I can speak to the “promised land” and all the expectations formed before we visit a city!
Thank you Grace! 🙂
Very honest and powerful! And no need to feel guilty at all 🙂 It’s a natural flow of letting go,’till the very end. And it takes courage to do so. But only then real freedom arises. What a gift… Proud of both of you! And a little bit jealous,but I’ll treasure that feeling 🙂 Hug!
A move can be a challenge but definitely not a bad thing. Stunning photographs. Glad to hear you are learning and enjoying your journey.
Beautiful photographs in Belgium, but hope you enjoy the move to Vancouver!!!
Beautiful photos! That sky is amazing!